SATIRE: Portillo’s makes poor business decision; Costco’s close proximity and great hot dogs threaten sales

May 10, 2019

The Portillo’s of Davenport, Iowa opens on June 13, 2019. Their doors will open at 10:30 a.m., but will they stay open very long? Recently a Costco opened on E 53rd Street, directly across from the new Portillo's. This spells bad news for Portillo's, as Costco is well known for their service, but better known for their slappin’ hot dogs.

 

To paint a word picture, imagine after a long day of work, pulling up to a bright haven, filled with light, smiles, and franks on franks. You’re both physically and mentally exhausted, and ravenous hunger is possessing your body. Fortunately, as you enter Costco’s towering doors, a wave of safety and comfort washes over you.

 

The slightest scent of meat tickles your nose, and you’re led across the expanse straight up to the food counter. After a quick exchange with the cashier, you’re one and a half dollars away from a warm hot dog and a cold drink.

 

Faster than the speed of light, your food is finished and you gaze in wonder, unable to take your eyes off of what has just been handed to you. A glitter of steam rolls off the top of your perfectly-heated meat tube, which lies atop a pillow of cloud-like bread - heated and made with the skill of a top master pastry chef. The first bite is like waking up from fevered sleep, a taste of water after days of desert, a light among lifelong darkness. The following bites last only a moment, a moment that should have been prolonged, preserved, drawn out to last an eternity. Mingling with your quick sips of cold Coke, the hot dogs moment is altogether gone too soon. Leaving the Costco you are sated, knowing that you’ve been appreciated, you’ve been cared for, and you’ve been loved.

 

Contrarily, Portillo’s is a dark pit, full of stale air and staler food. Walking in, the atmosphere crushes you and leaves you winded and scared. Their hot dogs are comparable to pure pain, sheer sadness, and unmatched unsatisfaction. Somehow the bread is soaked, while the hot dog remains dry and lifeless. This is what garbage feels like.

 

Avid Costco hot dog enthusiast Tyger Callahan said, “Portillo’s, when it comes to quality Portillo’s is not nearly the caliber that Costco is. The chefs are just so much better at Costco probably, and you don’t even need a membership to get into Portillo’s! What’s the fun in that? At Costco, you need a membership to get that sweet dog.”

 

The dedication that Costco customers have is a great representation of the store’s dedication to hard work and five-star quality products.

 

Additionally, at Costco, you have the chance to do some grocery shopping while getting your food. Portillo’s doesn’t provide you with that option. I would choose a great hot dog and world-class selection of groceries and hearing aids over soggy bread meat slop any day.

 

Bennett Soncarty said, “They have really good deals on granola bars and Doritos. I have like eight giant bags of Doritos. They also have a good battery trade-in program.”

 

Emma Doyle, only daughter of ear-challenged Dave Doyle said, “Costco is so well known for their hearing aids. My family has a membership for two reasons, the best hearing aids for my incapable father and the best hot dogs for his insatiable family.”

 

When I imagine a perfect world and perfect hot dog, I think of Costco. When I picture the world ending in a fire, Portillo’s hot dogs are the dry coals perpetuating the flames.

 

 

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